LUXURY

LUXURY: I have shared breakfast with my family for 65 consecutive days and counting. My schedule belongs to me AND my head is clear enough to listen, uninterrupted, to everything my husband and children have to say.  Wow!  Who knew what this could be like?  For those who do, I applaud you for figuring this out before me.  I'm jealous if it comes naturally and if you are shaking your head knowing this kind of clarity while managing a 40+ hour responsibility outside the home - I am doubtful but if true -  you have my respect and admiration.

My mom had a career in education and caring for those with disabilities before she gave birth to my older brother. She stayed home his first four years. It was around my first birthday when she decided to take a job outside the home. She would often share her story,"The cost of disposable diapers," she would say.  "That's why I went to work.  Diapers were so damn expensive but the babysitters didn't want to bother with cloth." So, for the luxury of Pampers she would hand off the childcare duties to my dad after his day as a deputy sheriff and head to the local VFW. Here she would collect tips from serving the locals and trade them in for Pampers so she and my father could have their nights out. In the early 70s she went to work for her little bit of luxury, today, I stay home for a lot of mine.

Two Words: Adjustment and Luxury

The two month mark of my stay-at-home mommy adventure is quickly approaching. And while those who know me will expect the "verbose" story I am about to share, there are two simple words that describe my experience: Adjustment and Luxury.

Today, Adjustment.

So much ground to cover here. The school year is quickly approaching and our 10 year old is still trying to understand why he won't be going to his beloved after school program. Our natural response is to send him but one of the goals of staying home is to lessen our need for nannies and other child care and to make it to the 4:00 and 5:00 p.m. after school activities on time. We'll see how this goes.

The bigger/biggest adjustment is my own. I received a handful of job leads the first few weeks I was home. Many of the jobs were appealing and I seriously considered submitting my application for a few until....I mentioned a position I was interested in to Cullen the minute he came home from work one night. He had no response and after a quick bite was off to his weekly golf league. When he returned, he confronted me with what should have been a simple question, "What do you want? Do you want to stay home or do you want to work?  I thought we had decided you would stay home but it doesn't seem we are on the same page."  He was right. We had spent a number of hours discussing this and had decided it was the best thing for our family at this time. But what about me?  Was it, is it, the best thing for me? It was a sleepless night as I sat thinking about his question. What did I want? I thought about conversations I had with mommy colleagues, sighing about missing our babies but smiling that we could grab a Starbucks or go out to lunch as our work schedules permitted. I thought about how quickly I agreed with those who said that work made them a better person and in turn a better wife and mom. I thought about the stories shared by stay-at-home moms who had decided to return to work when their children started school only to find they were irrelevant and didn't fit in their earlier work world. Then, my mind quickly shifted to thinking about the occasional middle of the night wake up with sick kids and Cullen and I checking Outlook to see whose schedule was more work from home friendly. I thought about the last minute texts to our morning nanny begging her to come in 30 minutes earlier because we both had a 7:00 a.m. meeting and forgot to tell each other. I thought about the 4:45 p.m. hockey games we missed and the scramble of arranging carpools, the nanny or family friends and other means to make sure the kids made it on time. I thought about the dinners following those games when the kids would excitedly share details but would end the story with a somber "wish you would have been there."  Finally, my head stopped spinning as the answer hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks: Cullen and I DID agree I would stay at home. My heart was truly in that place, it was my head that was having a tough time getting there. I have had a job since I can remember and NOT having a job outside the home scared me. Growing up hand-to-mouth with two working parents, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that being a stay-at-home mom was luxury we could afford....


Next post: The Luxury of being a stay-at-home mom. Coming soon!

The work can wait...

It's been a few weeks since post #3 - lapsing into my poor posting behavior?  Probably. But during this time, we had our first week of family vacation.  Cullen's employer is generous with holidays and  gives three days around the fourth of July so he takes the week to do something with the kiddos.  In our seven summers together, this is the first time I joined them. We have always taken our lake vacation the last week in June so it was too challenging to take more than five of my ten vacations days in less than a month. Why so challenging? True that summer is a popular vacation time so it was always a balance with co-workers for coverage.  But the longer I am away from my job outside the home, the more I see how tied to work I was and that too often it was me making the decision the work could not wait.

One of my first bosses would end each day at about the same time, wiping her desk clean saying, "The work will be here tomorrow." She would head to dinner or an off-Broadway play or something similarly exciting as I would sit at my desk writing another story, creating a list of "things to do" or spending too much time reworking the headline of a story nobody would remember five minutes after they read it. Early in my career, I called it working to get ahead but 15+ years later, I was still scrambling to finish a plan, returning to work too soon after maternity leave because "the team needed me" to finish the 'important' project, hauling my kiddos into the office for a meeting on President's Day - my day off -  because the client couldn't wait, ...  It was ALL important. Well, here's the 20/20 of the hindsight, there isn't one detail of that list that couldn't wait another day.

Now my list includes laundry, dishes, dusting...an endless list of household tasks but guess what?....

The work can wait.  This guy will not. :)

Week Two: So Much To Do (Is it EVER enough?)

It's week two.  I'm wondering how long I will be counting the weeks?

Last week was restful but a big adjustment. N is still in all day preschool and C and C are at their school programs. So I'm trying to tackle as many house projects as I can before our July family vacations lead to more time with the kiddos during the days.  I am also volunteering for a local political candidate's campaign. It's a great way to keep my communication skills sharp and perfect for combining my political and communication passions. The laundry is caught up and I'm on my way to FINALLY organizing my dream home. When I pick up our 10 year old, the first thing he says is "so, what did you do today?"  Great question. The days are flying by. Yet, when it's time to respond to C's question, my immediate response is, "Not enough."  Is it ever?

Week One: Really Done?

It's been one week since I handed in my ID badge and all tangible elements of my corporate life.  How is it?  Awesome, scary, restful, exhausting, funny, frightening - just like a day at an amusement park.  I've had ups: breakfast each day with all four kiddos, two lunches with my husband, midday naps, a stress releasing massage...and downs:  I'm more exhausted than a regular week of work + soccer + early morning meetings + hockey + boy scouts + baseball..., I've had a few overwhelming crying spells - similar to post partum depression - that feeling of not knowing what to do or what this is all about. But through all this, I think I've finally found the recognition that this is going to be the next incredible journey of my life.  But before I move on.... 

I have shared the news with many and received a wide range of responses.  Overwhelmingly positive with a few "Did you get fired," "Are you sick," "Is everything ok at home," questions.  I will continue to share details leading up to the deciding moment but to address the specific questions - 1. I did not get fired - see I.Resign. post one. 2. My physical health is fine and mental health is getting better every day! :)  3. Things at home could not be better. I have a supportive husband who loves and is very good at his job and is happy to provide for our family, three intelligent, fun and adventurous kids and I am VERY lucky to be his wife and their mom.  I hope I can live up to the fun I have promised them with this time we now have together.   

I.Resign.

"I don't think I remember her ever not working."  - the father of my childhood best friend when hearing the news I had quit my corporate job.  

"I resign."  The simple statement shared with the HR manager at the corporate job I loved and hated the last six years. For the first time in my nearly twenty year career, nothing followed.  No, "I have accepted a position with x" or "I appreciate the opportunity this company has provided me..."  Just two words.  I. Resign.

Alligator tears filled my eyes and streamed uncontrollably down my face.  Tears of relief. Relief that I could stop worrying about leaving my babies at the breakfast table while I rushed to make an 8 a.m. meeting of little to no significance.  Relief that I could stop spinning my wheels exerting energy trying to climb the corporate ladder when really I was like a gerbil spinning on its wheel. Relief that I had a choice. The choice to stay and continue spinning or go, go to that something that has significance; My Family.

The decision was not as simple as the two words. In fact, it was weeks, months of consideration and quite frankly, I'm still not sure this is the "right thing."  Spending more time with my family was the logical explanation and one that was easy for me and most everyone else to believe. BUT,  the night before I delivered the message to HR, we asked our 10 year old son if he would want to spend the summer hanging out with me or going to his daylong summer program at school.  He was confused by this question and quickly responded that "it sounds really great to spend time with you but I think I would miss my friends."  And so the adjustment begins for all of us.