The two month mark of my stay-at-home mommy adventure is quickly approaching. And while those who know me will expect the "verbose" story I am about to share, there are two simple words that describe my experience: Adjustment and Luxury.
Today, Adjustment.
So much ground to cover here. The school year is quickly approaching and our 10 year old is still trying to understand why he won't be going to his beloved after school program. Our natural response is to send him but one of the goals of staying home is to lessen our need for nannies and other child care and to make it to the 4:00 and 5:00 p.m. after school activities on time. We'll see how this goes.
The bigger/biggest adjustment is my own. I received a handful of job leads the first few weeks I was home. Many of the jobs were appealing and I seriously considered submitting my application for a few until....I mentioned a position I was interested in to Cullen the minute he came home from work one night. He had no response and after a quick bite was off to his weekly golf league. When he returned, he confronted me with what should have been a simple question, "What do you want? Do you want to stay home or do you want to work? I thought we had decided you would stay home but it doesn't seem we are on the same page." He was right. We had spent a number of hours discussing this and had decided it was the best thing for our family at this time. But what about me? Was it, is it, the best thing for me? It was a sleepless night as I sat thinking about his question. What did I want? I thought about conversations I had with mommy colleagues, sighing about missing our babies but smiling that we could grab a Starbucks or go out to lunch as our work schedules permitted. I thought about how quickly I agreed with those who said that work made them a better person and in turn a better wife and mom. I thought about the stories shared by stay-at-home moms who had decided to return to work when their children started school only to find they were irrelevant and didn't fit in their earlier work world. Then, my mind quickly shifted to thinking about the occasional middle of the night wake up with sick kids and Cullen and I checking Outlook to see whose schedule was more work from home friendly. I thought about the last minute texts to our morning nanny begging her to come in 30 minutes earlier because we both had a 7:00 a.m. meeting and forgot to tell each other. I thought about the 4:45 p.m. hockey games we missed and the scramble of arranging carpools, the nanny or family friends and other means to make sure the kids made it on time. I thought about the dinners following those games when the kids would excitedly share details but would end the story with a somber "wish you would have been there." Finally, my head stopped spinning as the answer hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks: Cullen and I DID agree I would stay at home. My heart was truly in that place, it was my head that was having a tough time getting there. I have had a job since I can remember and NOT having a job outside the home scared me. Growing up hand-to-mouth with two working parents, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that being a stay-at-home mom was luxury we could afford....
Next post: The Luxury of being a stay-at-home mom. Coming soon!
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